She has finally decided to take the steps needed to fix her life, get back what she once had, time for her self an organized environment and set new goals to accomplish. she now knows what she can do with her life the question is will she be successful or will this project like the many before it fall flat on the floor in front of her? she wants to add another child to her life even if it means the disapproval of her significant other. but first she would gain control of her life that is spiraling downwards . she has seen enough failure and unhappiness in the last decade to fill a lifetime. but here she stands at the ready hands on the reins and prepared for anything life throws her way weither it brings heart ache before the better comes or not she is in control. this is my life she thinks as she stairs ahead at the mountains she must climb. this cant be my life....this can't be all i amount to! I am better than this!
the girl sat in her room staring out the window wondering what had come of her once perfect life. she had everything body, time, hobbies and the envy of her old enimies and now she sat here falling apart every second that past she never had the time to do what she wanted guilt free, she made horrible dicisions to feel alive just to feel a little control in her life once more and all of these attempts always seemed to find a way to bite her in the behind. what could she do now, what mistake was she going to make next? thats all she could think. she needed to fix all the wrongs in her life but was she ready to embark on that commitment...highly doubtful she thought. she knew that if she so much as attempted to she would end up with a mess of unfinnished projects or heart broken. but she knew what had to be done. eventually she would have to walk out and find a place of her own to be happy, unless something better happened she would just stay in the same rump she was in until the end of her days.
When you lie I am hurt when you tell the truth i am hurt i try to be open I get hurt you tell me you like what you saw i get hurt no matter what I am hurt and I down know why. i don't know why I hurt when you are honest I want to be all you want I don't want you to have eyes for anyone else no matter how sexy they are, how little clothing they wear,how round their ass is why can't you just want me. I don't think I should be in this relation ship. why? because I want you to myself and for you to only want or need me. I DONT KNOW WHY!!!!! i just want to stop trying. trying to form an ass, trying to look better trying to have sexy hair trying to get abs, trying to make you happy and feel comfortable enough to tell me everything and to be open. men piss me off I should of stayed single and tried harder not to love you, not to care.
I sit here pondering my future our future. you have done me wrong, and though I wear a smile on my face I still feel the pain, my heart hurts with every beat, sometimes I feel it's a fight to breathe, you are my first true love, and you shattered my trust, I constantly fear you will do it again, I know it shouldn't bother me but it does, all I can wonder is why? you've explained it time and time again yet still all my mind can muster is whats wrong with me? and the more I think about it I wonder, is it me? maybe infact it's you but I love you so much, how can someone hurt me so bad and yet my love for you doesn't wilt, I know you always tell me you are being fully honest, but I have come to feel lied to all the time, why? because you did this to me, you turned me into what I am, yes I am paranoid, everytime I know you are in a room alone, everytime history is gone, everytime a towel lies upon the floor, everytime the baby oil is out of place, I fear that you have done it again, and then you get rediculously mad at me for asking, I know it's not because I ask but because I feel lied to, it's not my fault, again you made me this way. I had never been lied to as much as I have since I've been with you. and now everytime my suspisions is raised I am not allowed to ask, why because the fight of the century will begin. I wish you could just understand what you have done to me, to the girl you started dating. I can't promise I'll ever be her again, I just hate that I now sit here after marrying you, wondering if it was the biggest mistake of my life, because I love you and I know this, but I don't want to be paranoid that what ever words will come out of your mouth next will be a lie. and you'll never hear this or read this because it will only send you into a rage and cause more problems. this is not how arelationship is supposed to be.
What do I really look like? What do they see? Why am I doomed to forever be overweight? I have a problem I know this but I am scared, Food is my enemy, Every little bit I consume haunts me, Will I ever be normal again? I am thankful for having the support of a loving husband, My mind is like a fun house mirror, My image is distorted, However I believe what I see looking back, Help Me, I feel weak and fatigued, I experience pain daily, But no one is aware, I sit silently, hiding, Keeping my battle concealed behind a mask.
I wonder if they will ever know, the truth, the things I went through, the pain I suffered ,the things I suffer with even today. I went through thing a child should never have to go through, my childhood was stolen and I was turned into a woman long before I was meant to. no one will ever be aware that there we're more than just one attackers in their family. why? because I will never have the strength to face them again, even if I did they would remain in denial that anything like that could be done by one of their own. I was taken in and raised by a wonderful family, but didn't expect that when he became my dad that I would be forced to give up the freedom and wonder that is childhood. I went many years hiding everything that was going on, at first because I didn't know it was wrong, but ignorance turned to fear I was terrified as to what would happen if I were to ever speak out. in turn I suffered until my teenage years, my mother tried to speak out but to the wrong people, but how could she have known that my aunt would take the side of the man who was secretly ruining my life. It wasn't brain wash, it wasn't lies it was all truth, I remember many insidents as though I had just experienced it. I sometimes wish they would have found my diaries maybe then they would believe...but then again ignorance is bliss right? I finally got out of the situation but it was accidental it wasn't out of sudden strength to say "hey listen this is whats going on HELP ME!" no it was out of weakness, a moment where I was just asking for help to sleep at night and then the doctor asked "is there anything bothering you?" and that was it all the tears I would keep to cry at night in my solitude flowed in front of the doctor and the words just kept coming EVERYTHING I had bottled up was finally out. I don't know where people get it to say that you will feel better if you just tell the truth because I felt worse....and I still don't understand why, maybe it's because my mom would be forced to choose between me and her partner of 14 years, maybe it's because I knew deep inside that I would loose the family I came to love, maybe I was just scared because I didn't know what it would be like to live without the fear of someone coming into my room, or having to repay for that really nice pair of jeans I just got. Even after being out of the situation and having recieved an apology from the man that was once my father, I still sit here crying over what I had to live through, I now take anti-depressants and recieve mental help for it. I am a mother of 2 beautiful girls and trust no man around them, No child should EVER have to go through the things I did and I constantly fear they will. Will I ever be okay? no I can't say I will, you can heal wounds but the scares will forever remain. This is the story of my childhood and early teens believe what you will I know it's the truth, he knows it's the truth but only one of us will ever admit it .
I have three kids with my husband a 4 year old a 2 year old and a 7 week old, I am always home with them taking care of them mean while I let my husband go out play games and drink all the time he is out of the house almost three days a week every week for over 5-7 hours each time, I am begining to get exhausted and upset I feel like the kids and I just don't exsist to him anymore,because I am too nice and NEVER say No.
I try my hardest to accept myself for who I am and not what I look like, however I continue to allow society and it's opinions shape and mold me into what is acceptable. It's so hard to be a parent and yet be unique and live life as the young woman I am because as a parent I am constantly judged, like "Oh those poor kids being raised by a child, freak, immature child" so on so forth. But I am slowly trying to say screw society because in the end the truth is that I am a good parent, how I dress and look doesn't change that. Maybe I am not super slim but I look pretty damn good for a woman who has had three children each two years apart, but yet again I allow society warp my sense of worth just because I have a tiny post partum belly and in turn I have trouble leaving the house because in my eye's I'm fat even though the scale says otherwise.